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Jamesinashby

LET'S HAVE A LAUGH THREAD jokes, funny happenings in your life, taking the Mickey out of our rivals.

Started by Jamesinashby,

37 posts in this topic

That reminds me of a naughty joke...

Prior to his death on June 22, 1987 (RIP), this did the rounds.....

 

What is 80 plus years old and smells of ginger......?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Fred Astaire's cock.

 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'll get my coat..........

 

 

Royce 71 likes this

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Man sitting at a bar produces a miniature grand piano and stool and sits down a mouse at the piano who begins to play amazing classical music!

A crowd gathers in amazement! At this point the man puts his hand in his pocket an produces a matchbox, opens it and a spider emerges on to the bar and begins to sing to the mouse tune!

By now the crowed has doubled is size, not un-noticed by the landlord! I'll give you £500 for that act the landlord says to the man. Oh I couldn't sell them he says. I have spent so much time training them!

Ok says the landlord this is my final offer.........

I'll give you £750 for the mouse and £750 for the spider. £1,500! 750 for the mouse and 750 for the spider the man repeats! Yep! replies the landlord. Cash! the man returns! Cash! the landlord confirms! DONE! says the man. The money changes hands and the man sets to leave the pub but is quizzed on his way out by an elderly gentleman on why he sold such a potentially profitable (tv shows etc) duo?

Can you keep a secret says the man to the old boy? The old man nods. Well he has just give me £750 for the mouse and £750 for the spider right? Again the old man nods. Well the spider can't even sing says the man! The mouse is a ventriloquist!!!!!!!!!

 

I thank you!

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How to Be a Sensitive Husband

ADVICE FROM BOB, A RETIRED HUSBAND . . .

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.   When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself 
a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

   

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on  January 31  of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Bob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

stanmac likes this

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Hugh Hefner dead?. I, for one, will not be making any jokes at his expenis. However, I guess no one will ever say "he's in a better place!"

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Woman: Do you drink beer?


Man: Yes.


Woman: How many beers a day?


Man: Usually about three.


Woman: How much do you pay per beer?


Man: £5.00 which includes a tip 


Woman: And how long have you been drinking?


Man: About 20 years, I suppose.


Woman: So a beer costs 
£5 and you have three beers a day which puts     your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be     approximately £5400 correct?


Man: Correct.


Woman: If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation,     the past 20 years puts your spending at 
£108,000 correct?


Man: Correct.


Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money     could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after     accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now     bought an airplane?


Man: Do you drink beer?


Woman: No.


Man: So, where is your fucking airplane then ?
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